Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So many bounce houses so little time
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
