in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
