I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
