it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
