Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
