I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
