yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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