Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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