My sheets look like a crime scene.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
