Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
