The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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