I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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