Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
