Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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