My sheets look like a crime scene.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
