final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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