I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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