i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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