Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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