Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
