There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
