girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
