She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
