my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
