dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
