Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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