I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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