Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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