I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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