So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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