i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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