We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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