I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
