She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
