is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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