my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
