I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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