Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
