Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.