is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
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Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.