he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
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I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.