My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i think i have two assholes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
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