She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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