I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
