I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
