Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
