sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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