i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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