I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
