my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize