I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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Blow job season was short but glorious.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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