all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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