why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They are going to name an STD after you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
