A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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