I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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