my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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