rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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