Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
