Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
