We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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