so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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