Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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